Reward And Punishment

It is human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Some may say this is a genetic trait. I would argue that it is a learned response to our environment. As babies we learn that our crying gets our parents' attention. Toddlers are taught to be either good or bad. Children learn that negative attention is better than none at all. Each of these life stages involves the use of rewards or punishments for various behaviors. This system serves us the least as adults yet we may never really breakout of this pattern of thinking.

We decide that certain actions are justified based upon the reward we hope to receive. More time is spent working in hopes of a bonus at the end of the year. A gift is bought for a spouse assuming that they will acquiesce to our desires. If our children will stop whining they can have the toy that they dangle in front of us. These rewards are not what they appear to be. There are invisible strings attached that cheapen the sentiment and reduce our self-esteem.

Whatever we do, whether for ourselves or for another, should be done for the purest of reasons. If we work hard the only tangible benefit is a sense of pride. We do for our spouse because we love them. Giving to others occurs because we know what would make them happy. Performing good deeds while having an ulterior motive just makes them deeds; the "good" quickly disappears. Only children give with one hand while holding the other out in anticipation.

Punishment comes in many forms. When we are young we may lose an object for a time or lose the trust our parents have in us. We may suffer a harsh word or a stiff paddle. As we age there is the threat of expulsion from school or imprisonment behind steel bars. I should know better than anyone what punishment can bring. I also know that no punishment was worse than the guilt I put myself through. As adults we need to rise above this simplistic view and treat ourselves with greater compassion.

We make mistakes all the time. Errors in judgment, lack of foresight or forgetting to use due diligence are our stumbling blocks. Not every error should be approached as a reason to punish ourselves. Regret and guilt serve no good purpose other than to make us feel even worse. I used to assume that when I screwed up there should be a price to pay. Christine, my wife, taught me that mistakes should not be blown out of proportion. We must learn and move on. Flogging ourselves mentally only adds to the preexisting scars from our past.

It would help us as adults if we changed the way we define and justify our system of rewards and punishments. Our children would grow up more self-actualized. Teenagers could be more self-confident and self-assured. As adults we could act in more honest and enlightened ways. Much of our thinking and reasoning develops early on but changes little over time. The areas I mentioned are great places to start examining our preconceived notions of self and others. Give because it pleases you first and foremost. Do for others what helps rather than hurts. Become greater than the sum of your own parts.